Every once in a while on a semi-regular basis occasionally when the opportunity arises when the time seems right and it just feels like we all need a smile or two I like to dig into the worldly wisdom of, well, the world and share it here on Saturday mornings. I have a cadre of cousins, friends and emailers that are kind of in a fun communication loop where we like to send each other axioms, aphorism, apothegms, memes and witticisms that bring a bit of a grin, grimace or groan. Because it seems we all need a wee smile as often as possible these days.
For example, finding out your family tree through those Ancestry DNA kits is very popular these days, but it costs more than a few sheckles. So instead, just announce that you’ve won the lottery and you’ll soon find out who your relatives are. And speaking of families, it turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own. I know that now.
Did you hear that the inventor of autocorrect died? The funnel will be held tomato. Also, do you know what studies show is the most expensive vehicle to operate? Yes, the Costco shopping cart.
Here are some observations on that fun little inevitability of living called “aging”. I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but there’s a small hole in the bag somewhere. I also spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for answers. As for the stove, I turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for 20 minutes. But I’ve really been watching my weight lately. It’s still there.
If you’re like me, perhaps the biggest lie you tell yourself is: “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.” And maybe your super power is holding onto junk for years and years and donating it or throwing it away a week before you really need it. When you say “the other day” chances are you could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. And really, how much time do you spend debating whether to keep a cardboard box because, you know, it’s a really good box.
And everything is about fitness and working out these days. I overheard a conversation:
“I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row.”
“Well I burn about 2,000 calories every time I put on fitted sheets by myself.”
“At my age rolling out of bed in the morning is the easy part. Getting up off the floor is whole other story.”
“When I was younger if I dropped something I just picked it up. Now when I drop something I just stare at it for a while trying to decide whether I actually need it or not.”
And here are some random thoughts from random people who are, well, random: I accidentally wore a red shirt to the Target store today, and long story, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend. I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think of was, I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me. Good moms let you lick the mixmaster beaters, great moms turn them off first. And don’t you hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings?
And finally, here is some worldly wisdom advice that we can all take to heart: It doesn’t matter how nice the hand soap smells, you should never walk out of the restroom sniffing your finger.
Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. You can send him column ideas to email@example.com.