Honestly, I can’t even look at a picture of a June bug. Unfortunately, I just accidentally did on account of I was doing extensive research for this column by typing the words “June bug” and up popped a bunch of graphic images that now, try as I may, I can’t not see. And that’s just a photo, heaven forbid I should be attacked by a real one again.
With apologies to any entomologists (who would want to be one of those?) or other general bug lovers out there (what’s wrong with you?) it is my humble opinion that June bugs are either the spawn of the devil or nasty alien creatures from the planet Insecta here on Earth to eat humans.
For those of you fortunate enough to never have encountered this horrible creature let me just scientifically describe them for you. June bugs are big honkin’ ugly black-brown beetle beasts that weigh about the same as a Volkswagen (Beetle) and are the size of a grown man’s boot, and they have very crappy wings that click loudly and that can barely lift their big revolting bodies. They are always headed to light bulbs, especially street lights but they are so dumb they mostly end up crashing back down onto your head.
As an excellent article I found on CBC.ca stated: “They can’t fly worth squat. Given their manic attraction to light, June bugs quickly exhaust themselves. Then they collapse onto your porch, belly up, for you to be freaked out by them.” And it isn’t as if June bugs and other hideous beetles are rare. According to that same article, beetles have been around for “230 million years – they’re older that the dinosaurs”.
Wow, that’s even older than Mick Jagger and Keith Richards combined! Also noted: “One in four of all animals now living is a beetle.” If that doesn’t give you the heebie jeebies, I don’t know what does.
I’ve written about creepy crawlies before. I was organizing my bookshelf the other day and noticed that I have a surprising number of my own published books hanging around (unsold, of course). I picked up my first book, “Finding Time” (2010) to see if I could remember anything I wrote in there (I didn’t) and found myself randomly reading Chapter 22, “June Buggers” about which I’m sure you can guess. It tells the true story of how a ‘’good friend’ (a terrible practical joker) chased me and another pal with a deadly June bug. It was outside the famous Varsity Hall at Sylvan Lake at midnight after a dance and ‘friend’ had picked it up a June bug that had dive-bombed us and crashed onto the pavement underneath a street light. Like eight year olds, the chase was on.
This actually happened, though the names have been changed to protect the guilty. Paraphrasing from ‘Finding Time’: “And now Marty was right on us, the June bug wriggling in his outstretched fingers inches away from us as we ran for dear life. But there it was! Safety! We threw open the doors of Chip’s old man’s Chrysler, piled in and slammed the big heavy doors – SLAM! Just as Marty tossed the big black writhing June bug INTO THE CAR with us….” It didn’t end well.
I’ve also written about another insectual plague – when you are kids and you’re wrestling around on the lawn and suddenly you realize the entire lawn is alive and moving like a creepy ocean and the ocean is all over you. Oh, and the ocean happens to be a swarm of flying ants. Ewww!
Now I wish I hadn’t gone down that ant hole. I think I’ll stay indoors for a month or two.
Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. Reach out to Harley with any thoughts or ideas at harleyhay99@gmail.com.
