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Hay’s Daze: Merry Christmas Eve!

It was the day before Christmas and all through the place,

It was the day before Christmas and all through the place,

Shoppers crammed elbow to elbow, stuck face to face,

So many grinches and grumps, moms and dads,

Seeking perfume and sweaters, but there was none to be had…

I was reading some magazines one holiday season (remember when they had magazines in doctor’s and dentist’s offices?) and bumped into a wee collection of ‘true’ Christmas stories that sort of warmed the cockles of my occasionally chilly heart. Even though I’m not sure what “cockles” are I do remember that one story told of an eight year old son that noticed his mom got a bunch of beauty products from his dad at Christmas. When the boy saw his mom covered in a green facial mask he watched with interest as she washed it off. “What do you think?” his mom said as she dried her nice fresh face. “Oh, mom,” he said, “It didn’t work!”

The poor clerks in the stores were worked to the bone,

They wanted to give up, they wanted to go home,

All these dumb humbuggers buying all that dumb stuff?

Christmas stress shopping - enough is enough!

It seems there was this young lady named Myra who was going to the office Christmas party and needed a nice new party dress. At the clothing store Myra asked the sales clerk, “May I try on that dress in the window?” “Certainly not,” said the clerk, “You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.” Yuk, yuk,

What can be better than a nice Christmas Eve?

But is out in the traffic the place we should be?

At the mall, in the stores, can there be no stopping?

All those desperate people out shopping ‘till dropping?

One Christmas Eve, a guy named Nathan was at the cosmetics counter buying his wife some perfume. “How much is that one?” Nathan asked the clerk. “$150” the clerk said sweetly. “What!? Too expensive!” grunted Nathan, and he pointed at a smaller bottle. “This one is $20,” the clerk said, a little less sweetly. ”No way!” blurted Nathan, “Still way too much!” The sales girl silently ground her teeth and smiled, holding up the tiniest bottle of perfume you’ve ever seen. “Five dollars,” she said nicely. Nathan is now agitated. “I wanna see something REALLY CHEAP!” he whines. So the sales girl handed him a mirror. Har, har.

Warm and happy around a bright Christmas tree,

That’s the place we’d all like to be,

Family and friends, food and good cheer,

Because ready or not Christmas is here!

One youth-challenged Grandpa tells the story of how, one Christmas he decided that the best thing to give the grandkids was some money so they could get what they wanted. So he sent each of them a cheque with a card saying: “Merry Christmas from Grandpa. P.S. Buy your own present!” After Christmas he was a tad disappointed that he didn’t hear from any of the grandkids. And then, in his desk drawer he found a little pile of cheques. He had forgotten to put them in with the Christmas cards.

So now there’s really only one thing to say,

As we jing-jing-jingle along our merry way

Enjoy every moment of Christmas, at least until

The day we get our credit card bill.

And finally, I’m sure you’ve heard that Santa and a generous lawyer and an honest politician stepped out of an elevator at a fancy hotel lobby only to see a $100 bill on the floor. The question is, which one picked up the bill and handed it in to reception?

Well, Santa, of course. The other two don’t exist.