It’s been a while since this space here in The Aggravate contained one of my on-going collections of yuks and chuckles, insights and aphorisms. So by request, I’ve gathered some giggles, groaners and gotchas from my Friends File for your reading (and hopefully, smiling) pleasure.
Speaking of friends, I’ve mentioned that I keep a file of emails, memes and amusing anecdotes that a few of my deranged friends send me all the time, and every once in a while I foist it to unsuspecting (and unfortunate?) readers. For example: “Some call it multi-tasking, I call it doing something else while I try to remember what I was doing in the first place”. Or: “People who ask me what I’m doing tomorrow probably assume that I even know what day of the week it is.”
A man is at a Canadian Tire checkout purchasing a clothes iron. Man: “It’s for my wife’s birthday.” Clerk: “Ok, but while I wrap it you might want to go over to sporting goods and pick out a helmet.” And how about this overheard conversation: “Well, the wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his cell phone and drinking a can of beer! The police said he can do whatever he likes in his own living room.”
So I got myself a senior’s GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there. (Rimshot!) I’ve also been wondering: can I order a replacement body? This one is constantly malfunctioning. Oh, and I noticed that someone just slipped a note under my door. Thing is, it’s my closet door. (Cue “Twilight Zone” theme…)
Maybe I don’t know how to use TikTok but I can write in cursive, do long division and tell time on clocks with hands. So there. But when I was at the grocery store the other day I asked an employee where they kept the tinned peaches. He said, “I’ll see,” and walked away. So I found another employee and asked her. “I’ll see,” she said, and she walked away. A bit miffed, I gave up and found them myself. In Aisle C.
So a burglar broke into the house. I put a red dot on his chest with my little laser pointer and the cat did the rest. When I went to the gym for the first time the other day I told the personal trainer that I was surprised at how winded I was by the exercise. The trainer just looked at me and said, “This was the tour of the gym.”
My neighbor just sits in his house all winter and his back yard all summer. He told me, “I finally ordered a life alert bracelet so if I finally get a life, I’ll be notified immediately.” My other neighbor told me he’s thinking on creating a special soup. “I’m gonna combine a laxative with alphabet soup. I’ll call it, ‘Letter Rip.’”
And here’s one for my deranged friend out in Innisfail who used to be a famous teacher and who keeps bugging me relentlessly by sending me really terrible puns and who shall remain anonymous although his name is Grant and his last name starts with a K. Grant named his two dogs “Rolex” and “Timex”. They’re his watch dogs. But they don’t have tails so he’s taking them to go to the store. The retail store. Then, since someone stole his coffee so he had to go to the police station to look at mug shots.
Grant K. is quite immature. Just like a pun which is not matured until it is fully groan.
Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. Reach out to Harley with any thoughts or ideas at harleyhay99@gmail.com.