The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medication today. The good news is, I’m now protected from heartworm and fleas for the next three months. So I just asked myself if I’m crazy, and we all said ‘No.’ But sometimes I impress myself with the smart stuff I say and do. Then there are times when I try to get out of the car with my seatbelt on.
Did you have a wee snigger just then? Hope so, because it’s the end of yet another month and heaven knows we need a bit of a breather from what Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies called “life’s rich pageant”. He was being unintentionally ironic because he was such a wonderful doze-head he didn’t notice the chaotic mess around him.
But most of us notice the increasingly messy world impinging on us, therefore most of us need a wee snigger or two once in a while. As one very nice reader I shall call ‘Angela’ wrote to me: “They (Haze Daze columns) bring a smile to your face and give a moment to breathe, kind of like a meme of a cute baby dog doing something funny.”
One of the best compliments I’ve ever received (and I’ve received at least three in my life!) I mean, who doesn’t like cute baby dogs?
I try to pride myself on being ‘apolitical’ but generally speaking, isn’t it kind of scary when the weatherman is the closest one to telling the truth on the news these days? And be careful when you follow the masses, sometimes the M is silent. And here’s a sign I noticed: Two paths diverged in the wood and America took the psychopath. Also: maybe we all live in a time where intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.
I don’t watch football, so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds really fast. Guys, don’t believe everything you read in public toilets. Sharon is not up for a good time. What an awkward phone call that was… When I ordered a coffee to go, the barista at the coffee shop asked me what my name was. I said it was ‘Marc with a ‘C’. When I got my coffee this was written on the paper cup: ‘CARK’.
Ok, let’s crunch some numbers: People say 60 is the new 40. The cop who pulled me over didn’t agree. You know, in my mind I’m still 24, but my back is 55, my knee is 67, and my left hip turns 79 next week. Kids in the back of the car these days have 20 movies to watch on a screen. When I was a kid, I watched the same thing every trip. It was called the window.
A comment from a young bachelor: I’m starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD. I don’t have it, I’m just hoping they’ll take one look and start cleaning. Questionnaire: ‘How Did You Hear About the YMCA? Please check one: TV, Radio, Newspaper, Online or Other… Some wag checked ‘Other’ and wrote: the Village People.
Once you get to a certain age, life just becomes a delicate balance between trying to stay awake and trying to fall asleep while slowly getting worse at both. I don’t know about you but I’m starting to think I’ll never be old enough to know better. Also, I don’t understand why people have to “get ready for bed”. I’m always ready for bed.
And finally (really ‘finally’) - Sign in Doctors’ waiting room: If you die whilst waiting to see the doctor, please cancel your appointment.
To those moron drivers: If an airplane pilot can remember those 10,000 switches, dials and buttons, you too can use the turn signal lever.
Making a bed with fitted sheets shouldn’t be like putting a swimming cap over a fridge.
The difference between humans and animals? Animals would never allow the dumbest ones to lead the pack.
My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.
No wonder I end up in the drive-thru. It amazes me how much ‘exercise’ sounds so much like ‘extra fries’.
I love bacon. I eat it twice a day at least. It helps take my mind off these terrible chest pains I keep getting.
When a woman says ‘Correct me if I’m wrong’ do not under any circumstances, do it.
I hear the inventor of the throat lozenge died. Really? I bet there will be no coffin at his funeral.
I made a huge To-Do list today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
To applaud a politician because she has built a hospital, school or road etc with public money is the same as applauding and ATM because it gives you your money.
Mom didn’t raise and dummy, and if she did it was my brother.
Wife: Can you stop yawning when I’m talking to you? Husband: I’m not yawning, I’m trying to say something!
Weird. I just tried to make my own hand sanitizer, and it came out as a rum & coke.
Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. Reach out to Harley with any thoughts or ideas at harleyhay99@gmail.com.
