Have you ever thought of getting a tattoo? I know I haven’t. But, boy, there’s seems to be no fence-sitting when it comes to tattoos – either you are an all-in stigmatophile or a count-me-out skininkaphobe. And one of those descriptives is actually a real word officially describing whether you love or hate tattoos, and maybe you can guess which one.
Back in my day when we were rockin’ out at dance halls at the sunny lake instead of thumbing video game joysticks in darkened basements, tattoos were basically only displayed on the leathery wrinkled skin of sea-going pirates, creepy old men, and maximum security prisoners who created their own tattoos with a bottle of Schaeffer’s India Ink and a sewing needle. But, as we all know, things are a tad different now.
It’s a new normal now to see a wholesome, attractive young waitress (sorry, ‘Server’) with a multi-colored swirling “sleeve tattoo” covering her entire arm. And how many in your formation of family and friends are currently sporting some “body ink”? Lots, I’ll bet.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that. As they say, it’s their body, their choice. While some tattoos are incredibly artistic and most have special meaning for the tattoo-ee, I’m just not a tattoo touter per se. Years from now all these old folks are going to be wandering around with elderly, droopy, craggy skin that makes their tattoos look like that famous scary Van Gogh painting called ‘Scream’. And besides, what happens if down this long and winding road you happen to, as humans are wont to do, change your outlook on things, including tattoos? I’ve said it before; the business to get into in the near future is to open a franchise of “Acme Quick and Painless Tattoo Removal” shops.
But the other day I was undistractedly driving and listening to the Canadian Broadcorping Castration on the car radio and heard about an even better idea – actual real tattoos that are temporary! “How cool is that? Why didn’t someone think of that before?!” I shouted to myself right out loud causing the person in the car next to me to stare at me. It turns out that there’s a company in New York (of course) called “Ephemeral” that developed a special “organic” ink that fades in one to three years. The process of getting a tattoo is the same – being painfully drilled and stabbed by a tattoo artist with a machine called a STD (Scab Torture Device) and it costs $500 USD and up, but they are doing a booming (or should I say ‘buzzing’) business.
Not everything is tattoo tickety-boo, however. Some customers are complaining that their skin art isn’t fading as promised. “The flaming match tattoo I got now looks like a spatula!” says one unhappy Ephemeral client. The company, whose motto is “Made To Fade” has promised a Regret Nothing Guarantee of money back if the featured fadeout doesn’t fully function.
Well I can go one better. Back at South School I must admit I did in fact get a tattoo. It was a prize in a Cracker Jack popcorn box – a much cherished “lick and stick’ work of art. I wore that skin sticker proudly all day on my skinny bare shoulder. It was an impressive likeness of cartoon star Huckleberry Hound, all blue and smiling and tipping his famous boater hat, and the tattoo was gone after that night’s weekly (monthly?) bath.
But I do understand how tattoos can be addictive, because I went on to wear an awful lot of cartoon “ink” after scarfing many boxes of Cracker Jacks. But I’m kind of glad I didn’t have to wear Yogi Bear on the back of my hand for the rest of my life.
Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. You can send him column ideas to harleyhay1@hotmail.com.