I’ve got the perfect antidote to the rain: The Dumbrella

Is it wet enough for ya?

This is a question that has plagued us all summer long here in central Alberta.

For a couple of months or more, we can hardly string together two consecutive days without getting dumped on by Mother Nature.

To take a deeper dive (as it were) into the ramifications of this soggy season, here at the Daze, we’ve decided to consult an expert.

Since we don’t know one, other than our friend, local historian Michael Dawe, who is too busy being popular and knowing everything about the past to answer our calls, we decided (reluctantly) to phone our longtime consultant, Dr. Reginald Smoot, non-tenured professor of sociology, Mail Order University of Carrot River, Sask., on account of the fact he’s the only person, generally, who will take our calls.

HAY’S DAZE: “Um, hello, is this Dr. Reginald Smoot?

DR. REGINALD SMOOT: “Oh, hello, Pumpkin, how was the spa?

HD: “Pardon me? This is Hay’s Daze calling …”

SMOOT: “Oh, I see. Isn’t this Wednesday? My wife occasionally calls on Wednesdays.”

HD: “No. It’s Saturday, actually.”

SMOOT: “Thank goodness. I hate being interrupted on Wednesdays.”

HD: “OK, well, let’s get right to it then. I have a question for you: ‘Is it wet enough for you?’ ”

SMOOT: “Is it wet enough for me to what?”

HD: “It’s an expression we use when it rains too much.”

SMOOT: “I see. Is it raining? I wouldn’t know; I try not to go outside. Especially when it’s raining. And when it’s snowing; forget it.”

HD: “Right, well, since you’re allegedly a sociologist of some kind, I would like to ask you a few questions.”

SMOOT: “My answers are ‘yes,’ ‘no’ and two more ‘yeses.’ ”

HD: “But I haven’t asked any questions yet …”

SMOOT: “In that case, my answer is ‘no.’ ”

HD (sighing): “OK, let’s try this: what do you see as the sociological ramifications that constant cloudy skies and relentless rainfall has on society?”

SMOOT: “Coincidental to your query, it turns out that I have recently been conducting research by monitoring The Weather Channel on the 52-inch Smart TV in my office four to six hours a day, and have noticed that there’s been a plethora of precipitation.

“For you laypeople, that means it’s been raining.”

HD: “That’s what I’ve been trying to …”

SMOOT: “Never interrupt a sociologist in the middle of explaining his important research. Don’t you want to know the results of my extensive research on the relevant consequences and complications that recurring inclement weather has on human health, wellness and social robustivity?”

HD: “Yes, of course, Reg. I can’t believe you are almost making sense.”

SMOOT: “Thank you. And I don’t know anybody named Reg.”

HD: “I’m getting a headache.”

SMOOT: “It sucks.”

HD: “I’m sorry?”

SMOOT: “The rain. My research shows that it sucks.”

HD: “Um, OK, could you elaborate on that conclusion, so that …”

SMOOT: “Of course. Rain really, really sucks.

HD: “Right then, um, thank you for your, um, expert insight into what we’ve been experiencing this summer. I’m sure our readers will be …”

SMOOT: “Would you like to buy a couple hundred umbrellas? You know, for your readers?

“My exhaustive research on The Weather Channel has inspired me to start a company. It’s brilliant, if I do say so myself – an umbrella that doesn’t fold up! It just stays open all the time, so you don’t have to fiddle with it.”

HD: “That doesn’t sound very …”

SMOOT: “It’s called The Dumbrella. I’m going to make a killing.”

HD: CLICK. (dial tone …)

Harley Hay is a Red Deer author and filmmaker. He can be reached at harleyhay1@hotmail.com.

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