I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: What’s with the Scottish?
How can one group of people invent such dubious inventions as haggis, bagpipes, kilts and curling, and yet come up with the steam engine, the telephone, television, penicillin, insulin, radar and the bicycle. Not to mention the Loch Ness Monster and a groovy accent spoken by a big green cartoon character named Shrek.
OK, so I admit it, my Grandma on the paternal side of things came straight from Scotland and talked a lot like Shrek before he was even invented.
So I love the accent and the Scots, but I’m not too happy with one of their other popular inventions that consists of hitting a little white ball with a stick about 15 times just to get it in a little hole in the ground. And you have to do this for 18 of those little holes.
Well, you don’t have to, but many people do and do it often. Most of these people are the very definition of ‘masochistic’ (definition: people who play golf badly and repeatedly, which results in swearing and throwing of golf equipment).
Some people appropriately call the game of golf Whack-Damn, as in “Hey, are you around for some Whack-Damn this weekend?”
And there’s that famous quote by Mark Twain, who apparently knew the game rather well when he said: “Golf is a good walk spoiled.”
Golf can bring out the worst in people and an extremely high level of frustration displayed by chucking clubs, breaking clubs, throwing balls, kicking balls, tossing golf bags, tipping over motorized golf carts, etc.
And cheating.
Who hasn’t played golf and “forgotten” to write down a stroke or two? Who hasn’t taken a ‘mulligan’ (definition: not counting a stroke or two when you don’t want to) on every hole? Who hasn’t suddenly and conveniently forgotten how to add correctly when it comes time to mark the score card? I know I have.
Broadcaster Paul Harvey said it best: “Golf is a game in which you yell ‘Fore!’, shoot six, and write down five.”
For those of you who the only thing you know about golf is if you are male and become the greatest golfer in the entire world and you’re named after a predatory beast, you will become addicted to chasing women — perhaps some golf basics are in order.
The swing: This is where you take a long stick (club) with a handle (grip) and a mallet or a wedge shape on the other end (head) and hit (take a whack) at a rock-hard little ball (golf ball). If you don’t miss (whiff) and connect (get a hold of it) without ‘hitting it fat,’ ‘topping it,’ ‘chunking it,’ ‘skying it’ or ‘hitting a worm burner,’ you will likely watch your ball veer to the right into the trees (‘a slice’) or curve left into the trees (‘a hook’) or bounce off of your playing partner’s knee (‘a shank’ — also known as ‘a grounds for assault’ from your playing partner).
The clubs: In your arsenal of ridiculously expensive clubbage you’ll find a No. 1 wood, which is actually a metal and is never called a No. 1 wood because it’s called a ‘driver.’ The modern driver has a head (see above) the size of a 10-pin bowling ball, and an impressive name such as Big Bertha, Great Big Bertha or the Biggest Big Bertha (not kidding), or Diablo Octane, RocketBallz or Long Tom (still not kidding). And when a show-off steps up to drive with one of these babies, he often says: “It’s time to let the Big Dog eat!” (still not kidding).
There are also No. 3, 4 and 5 woods, which have no wood in them whatsoever, and clubs with a variety of completely meaningless numbers which are called ‘irons’ and are generally not made of iron. And just to confuse things, there are now popular crossbreed clubs that are part wood (metal) and part iron (graphite). These are called ‘hybrids’ and just like automobiles, these are created by industry to sell us overpriced units we don’t know how to use and don’t work worth a Whack Damn.
The putter: This is also known in golf jargon as the ‘flat stick’ because chances are you are going to flat out miss most putts with a putter. At least with my putter. It is the smallest, shortest club in the typical bag but still can fly pretty far into the trees after missing that two-foot (one-cm) putt.
A divot: this is a chunk of grass carved out of the expensive fairway when hitting the ball, particularly with an iron. Once while playing golf with the family I hit the ball (into the trees) taking a huge divot the size of a welcome matt, which went straight up into the air and landed — SPLAT — right on my head (true story). The good news: I was wearing a hat. Bad news: many witnesses.
19th hole: This is the best invention in all of golf. After several long hours of awkward swings, dangerous divots, drives into the trees, chips into the water and putts not in the hole, you stagger in from the final 18th hole, exhausted and spent (because you’ve lost every bet on every hole) and order a beverage and a hot dog at ‘the 19th hole.’
This is where you add up the scores, subtract a few more mulligans for good measure and write down a number that bears precious little to the actual times you hit the ball out there. Besides, who even keeps track of the score when you’re playing golf? (Answer: everybody). After all, it’s all about the fun, isn’t it? The pure joy of the challenge, the experience, the event. All of which is much improved, let’s face it, if you leave your clubs at home.
The beloved comedian, awful violinist and even worse golfer Jack Benny summed it up nicely: “Get me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.”
Whack-Damn anyone?
Harley Hay is a local freelance writer, award-winning author, filmmaker and musician. His column appears on Saturdays in the Advocate. His books can be found at Chapters, Coles and Sunworks in Red Deer.