Back in the Jurassic Age, with raptors roaring around the playground and a T-Rex rumbling by in the snow outside the windows of our Red Deer classroom, we would be so immersed in so much Christmas energy around about this time of year, that the entire elementary school would practically be levitating.
My buddy John every year managed to sit right behind me, so that he could terrorize me and get me into all kinds of trouble. Like spit balls to the back of the head, or shenanigans involving LePage’s glue or Sheaffer’s Peacock Blue ink (did I mention it was back in prehistoric times?).
OK, I admit he was pretty clever, too, and he was the first to coin a Christmas phrase that has stuck with me all these years.
One year, our extremely important lesson unit happened to be Make a Christmas Card For Your Family. And John’s snazzy effort featured the phrase: “Have a cool yule!”
I thought this was, like, totally radical (which meant “cool” at the time), especially for a kid with his fingers in the ink well, so I’ve stolen it as a Christmas greeting many times from that day on.
This got me to thinking. Since my unofficial mandate of this Hay’s Daze space here in your Saturday paper is to lighten things up a bit with a smile or two, to try not to dwell on the dark side of this veil of tears, I realized that, hey, what’s more silly and innocuous than a pun or two?
And what’s more groan-worthy than a Christmas pun? Especially at Christmas.
So after several minutes of highly amusing research, and at the risk of alienating a small percentage of my dozen or so readers who may patently abhor the punishment of puns (or the agony of alliteration, for that matter) I present, for your punning pleasure, the best Christmas puns that can be found on the internet in four minutes. Feel free to read them out loud to your cat:
l What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? (It’s Christmas, Eve!)
l Why did they ask the turkey to join the band? (He had the drum sticks.)
l Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? (Because it soots him.)
l Why does Santa have three gardens? (So he can ho-ho-ho.)
l What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? (Tinselitis.)
l Why don’t reindeer go to public school? (They’re elf taught.)
l What kind of music do elves love the most? (Wrap.)
l What’s the forecast for Christmas Eve? (Rain, dear.)
l What was Santa’s favourite subject in school? (Chemistree.)
l What did the English teacher call Santa’s helpers? (Subordinate Clauses.)
l How does Darth Vader know what everyone is getting for Christmas? (He’s felt their presents.)
l What do you say when you give someone a set of spices for Christmas? (Season’s greetings.)
l What do you call someone who can’t stop thinking about Christmas? (Santamental.)
l What kind of motorcycle does Santa drive? (A Holly Davidson.)
l What do sheep say at Christmas? (Fleece Navidad!)
OK, that’s probably enough Christmas pun-ishment, and by now, you’re probably all groaned out from those unfortunate groaners.
Except to say, did you know that Santa’s favourite pizza is one that’s deep pan, crisp and even?
So I’ll leave you with my Christmas greetings. Meantime, I have to go shopping. I’m getting the Better Half a wooden leg. It’s not her main present; it’s just a stocking stuffer.
Have a cool yule everybody!
Harley Hay is a Red Deer writer and filmmaker.