“We teach people how to treat us.”
– Phillip C. (Dr. Phil) McGraw, American television personality, author and psychologist
“I’m not doing it,” she declared. “You can do it if you want, but I’m not doing it!”
I looked up from my work. Rick was talking to one of his staff members and judging by the response (and volume) it was not being well received. I was surprised. Rick is a pretty easy going guy – gentle with critique and always generous with encouragement.
“The information on this form is incorrect,” he said his young, female staffer.
“That’s what I was given,” the woman replied. “Blame the account manager.”
“I’ve had this same issue,” Rick noted. “What I started doing is taking a few moments and confirming the addresses before I send the news releases out for printing and distribution.”
“Maybe you have time for that,” replied the staffer, “but I’m far too busy.”
“We’re all busy,” Rick said then paused for a moment to regroup. “If there’s an error, it comes back to this department and we’re the ones who look careless – incompetent.”
“So the (cursing) account manager gets off scot free and we enable his poor performance by just fixing whatever mistakes he happens to make – that’s great. That’s just (cursing) great.”
“It’s only enabling if no-one says anything,” replied Rick. “I will be speaking to him.”
“Oh that’s sure to fix everything,” replied the staffer, rolling her eyes.
“Just do it!” Rick said then turned and marched back to his office.
It was obvious some lines had been crossed and some boundaries trampled upon.
I read once that we teach people how to treat us. We either teach people to treat us with dignity and respect or we don’t.
Accepting this statement as true, then we are partly responsible for the mistreatment that we get at the hands of someone else. We shape others’ behaviour when we teach them what they can get away with and what they cannot.
That statement bothered me for a long time. I felt that I had endured more than my share of boundary crossing and the idea that I was somehow responsible for it was debilitating. Since childhood, I had been hyper-aware of boundaries and wondered why others weren’t.
The best way to “teach” someone how to treat us is to establish healthy boundaries. People need to know when they are acting in a way that is unacceptable to us.
Boundaries define limits. Boundaries can be flexible, expandable or impenetrable depending upon the situation.
You know you need to set a boundary if you find yourself dealing with constant anger, complaining, disregard, disrespect or inappropriate comments. For many of us, boundary-building is a relatively new and challenging concept.
Establishing boundaries is essential however to building healthy relationships whether they are business or personal. New York based psychologist and life coach, Dana Gionta, Ph.D. is an expert in the field of interpersonal relationships.
“Having healthy boundaries,” explains Gionta “means knowing and understanding your limits.”
According to Gionta, step one is to identify our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual limits and it starts with some time spend in contemplation. It requires that we identify events or situations we can tolerate or accept and those that make us feel uncomfortable or stressed.
Says Gionta, “Our feelings help us to identify … our limits.”
Gionta suggests we gauge our feelings of discomfort or resentment on a scale of one to ten. When feelings pass six on the scale, we should ask ourselves why.
Chances are the spike in our feelings gauge result from a sense that we’re being taken advantage of or not appreciated. It may also come from a feeling that we’re not receiving the respect we believe we deserve.
“When someone acts in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable,” says Gionta, “that’s a cue to us they may be violating or crossing a boundary.”
Maintaining boundaries is easy with some people. Chances are these people share a similar value system – maybe even a similar background.
Then there are people like Rick’s staffer at work. Her apparent disregard for Rick’s authority may be owing to a bad attitude but just as likely, it’s the result of Rick’s inability to set and enforce healthy, appropriate and respectful boundaries. Keep in mind, you may be working or associate with someone who thinks that challenging someone’s opinion is a healthy and appropriate way of improving communication.
“Fear, guilt and self-doubt are big potential pitfalls,” says Gionta. If we fear the other person’s response or confrontation, we may be less likely to set and enforce boundaries.
Depending upon our self-esteem, we may even wonder if we deserve to have boundaries at all.
Here is a technique you may find valuable: state out loud what actions upset you and precede the emotion elicited with “I feel.” By saying, “When you speak to me in that tone of voice (action), I feel hurt (emotion),” we are being clear, direct are taking ownership of the feeling.
Of course, it’s not enough to create boundaries; they need to be expressed and clarified meaning we need to speak up and stop assuming. Even though we know intellectually that people aren’t mind readers, we may still expect others to know what hurts us. It’s important to communicate with the other person when they’ve crossed a line. To talk about boundaries and then not stand firm will teach others to disregard our statements and declarations.
“Boundaries aren’t just a sign of a healthy relationship,” says Gionta. “They’re a sign of self-respect. So give yourself the permission to set boundaries and work to preserve them.”
Before expecting others to treat you with dignity, first treat yourself with dignity and respect. Never give anyone the opportunity to mistreat you. If you’re not being treated the way you desire, then find out why. Be honest and forthright with yourself and others.
“Never tell me the sky’s the limit when (I know) there are footprints on the moon.”
– Author Unknown
Murray Fuhrer is a self-esteem expert and facilitator. His new book is entitled Extreme Esteem: The Four Factors. For more information on self-esteem, check the Extreme Esteem website at www.extremeesteem.ca