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Experience becomes wisdom, through reflection

“There was something about the way he spoke, the words he chose — each brushed with an insight, coloured with a wisdom beyond simple learning. He knew it was going to rain before the man on the radio did, how long and hot the day would be, whether to cover the cucumbers or not. Dad told me the roots of the old country ran deep in Grandfather. There were secrets the ‘old ways’ had revealed to him. I began watching and listening more carefully.”

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”

— Socrates, Ancient Athenian philosopher

“There was something about the way he spoke, the words he chose — each brushed with an insight, coloured with a wisdom beyond simple learning. He knew it was going to rain before the man on the radio did, how long and hot the day would be, whether to cover the cucumbers or not. Dad told me the roots of the old country ran deep in Grandfather. There were secrets the ‘old ways’ had revealed to him. I began watching and listening more carefully.”

It was 1988 and I was sharing with my writers’ group the first in a series of farm-related stories I had been commissioned to write for the Western Producer farm paper. When I finished the tale, Doris, our resident poet, clapped her hands to her mouth. She had tears in her eyes.

“Oh my goodness,” she declared. “You’ve lived such a Tom Sawyer existence.”

I hadn’t really thought about it but perhaps the story did have a bit of Mark Twain whimsy to it. I laughed and thanked Doris for the comment and compliment.

Doris was in her mid-70s and a long-standing member of the group.

“I envy you,” she said. “Nothing so adventurous has ever happened to me.”

I was surprised by Doris’ comment. Her poetry described scenes of great intrigue and delight. Having grown up in the southern United States, she had written one poem about floating down the Mississippi in a canoe holding a parasol while an admirer fed her orange slices and serenaded her on a ukulele.

Another poem was about travelling to New York City with her father and another still about a circus where she had been astounded by the size of the elephants and ferocity of the lions.

In comparison, my farm adventures seemed inconsequential — almost juvenile.

When I argued the point with Doris she told me those experiences were just things that happened to her. No profound life lessons to be learned from the recollections; they were fond memories, random snapshots.

Doris’s comments made me a little sad because I could see even then that she was mistaken. I found her poetry to be brimming with insights and life lessons, even though she didn’t seem aware of them.

For me, my most profound realizations of lessons from experience come through the act of reflection. Time provides us with a different vantage point from which to view our experiences. Regarded from a fresh perspective, the past can be a veritable goldmine.

When I reflect over past experiences, I do so with one question in mind: what can I take from this experience that will help me to become a more positive, empowered and heart-centred person? Without exception, I uncover a lesson.

Years ago, I would look back over incidents or events in my life and judge them as good, bad or inconsequential. Much like Doris, I viewed past experiences just as things that happened to me. Over time I began to realize that each story had a lesson if I would just look for it.

This is different than putting a positive spin on a situation. It’s viewing events from a grounded and realistic point of view, accepting the reality of each and knowing that even the harshest of experiences teach us a lesson.

I recall losing my beautiful sister a few years ago — a sad and regretful event. The lesson, however, was potent and life-changing: cherish each moment and every person who travels with us on this journey.

You can choose to see the past as nothing more than a series of unrelated and unimportant events or you can mine it for the wealth of insight it contains.

Reflection can greatly assist with clarifying your values, setting priorities, acknowledging strengths and establishing a strategy to achieve goals and dreams.

Always remember that no one can take this step for you.

As an experiment, look back over a challenging event from your past, but instead of delving into all the negative aspects as you might typically do, ask the question: what can I take from this experience that will help me to become a more positive, empowered and heart-centred person? It’s a subtle yet powerful shift in perception that can change everything for you.

“By three methods we may learn wisdom,” wrote Confucius. “First, by reflection, which is noblest. Second, by imitation, which is easiest and third by experience, which is bitterest.”

Reflection is a vital component of self-esteem building. If your goal is to grow your self-esteem and enhance your self-awareness — to become a wiser and more confident person — then set aside time daily to reflect. It’s a practice that will return dividends for years to come.

As odd as it might sound, I learned a lesson from Doris’ declaration that there were no lessons to be learned from her life experiences: the most valuable life lessons are seldom delivered to our doorstep stamped, “important.”

We are going to have to go seek them out. It takes effort, conviction and sometimes years of reflection to recognize, interpret and eventually integrate them into our lives.

Despite the effort, these life lessons are always worth claiming.

Murray Fuhrer is a local self-esteem expert and facilitator. His new book is entitled Extreme Esteem: The Four Factors. For more information on self-esteem, check the Extreme Esteem website at www.extremeesteem.ca