“All doors open to courtesy.”
– Thomas Fuller, English clergyman and historian
“Coming through!”
I was about to pull open the restaurant door when a boisterous troupe of young men and women marched past me and into the restaurant. I watched the door close behind them.
“No respect for their elders,” my lunch companion said with a wink.
“After you, old man,” I replied, pulling open the door for him.
“Mighty kind of you, young fella,” he responded and stepped inside.
It was then I noticed a couple of older ladies (at least, older than my friend and I) approaching the restaurant.
I gestured for the ladies to go inside. They both nodded and smiled.
“Your mother raised you well,” said one of the ladies as she walked past me.
“Nice to see someone with manners,” said the other.
“Thank-you,” I replied. “Thank you very much.”
Maybe it’s our unwarranted sense of entitlement or a “disconnect” from past ideals, but it seems to me that fewer people today exercise any common courtesy.
I’m speaking, of course, in terms of trends — I’m not going to generalize about the generations that followed mine.
A lack of manners and common courtesy isn’t limited to any one age group or demographic, but those qualities do seem to be on the decline.
My mother was a stickler for manners — in particular, around the dinner table. Please, thank-you and you’re welcome were constantly reinforced, along with admonitions such as, “Don’t chew with your mouth open or speak when you have food in your mouth.”
Though I never quite mastered all the intricacies of table etiquette, I do remember being told that my drink was the one on the right and that we always work from outside in when using silverware.
As with any aspect of our behaviour, manners and common courtesy speak volumes about our beliefs and values.
I have known people who appeared blissfully unaware or, worse yet, unconcerned about how their actions impacted others.
On the other extreme, I have known people who were hyper-aware or overly concerned, thus afraid of offending someone.
Neither of these positions strikes an appropriate balance. We shouldn’t be blatantly rude but neither should our actions be based solely on what others might think.
I am suggesting that we bring awareness to our behaviours and consider the image we present to the world.
Some of the most empowered people I know are also the most genuinely courteous.
Some of the least courteous may simply never have been taught otherwise, but many actually choose to be so. I believe, as we develop our self-esteem, we begin to respect and appreciate ourselves and those around us.
Self-awareness is a vital component of self-esteem, and the greater our awareness, the more we are in tune with our choices and subsequent behaviour and the impact it has on all of us.
For the sake of curiosity, I conducted an impromptu poll with a few friends and colleagues to see if they felt manners and common courtesy were on the decline (which they did) and what example they could offer to support the assertion. I hope you’re not guilty of these offences.
Texting while someone else is talking.
Whether it’s a face-to-face exchange, during a meeting, in worship services, at a wedding or, sadly, at a funeral — turn off the damn phone.
Cellphones ringing when at a public function. I have witnessed cellphones ringing at a variety of functions. I was recently at a live theatre production where the company offered to make a donation to The Actors Fund of Canada if no cellphones rang during the performance.
There was collective groan from the audience when — about half-way through the performance — someone’s phone started playing a recognizable pop tune. Again, turn off the damn phone.
Rude and discourteous drivers.
Not only the ones who cut you off in traffic or fail to signal, but those who won’t raise a hand to wave thank-you to a fellow driver who makes an allowance for them. Be courteous when driving – it’s the safe and responsible thing to do.
Being late for engagements. Be on time! This is not only common courtesy but common sense. Responsible people are on-timers.
Responsible people also do not ignore obligations, such as agreeing to meet at a certain time and place and then not bothering to show up.
If plans change, make the call or, if you prefer, text and let someone know about it.
Recently, I attended an à la carte restaurant while on vacation and the reservation was specific: dress attire (no sandals).
I arrived to find myself standing in line with people wearing T-shirts, walking shorts, ball caps and yes, sandals.
Worst of all, the staff let the rule-breakers into the restaurant.
If you are going to set standards (for whatever the occasion) then adhere to that standard and demand that others to do the same.
If we do not hold people accountable, then how can we expect them to hold themselves accountable? I’m not suggesting an uprising by any means, but I am saying that it is OK to hold people accountable for their behaviour.
“If a man be gracious and courteous to strangers,” wrote English philosopher and essayist, Sir Francis Bacon, “it shows he is a citizen of the world, and that his heart is no island cut off from other lands, but a continent that joins to them.”
If you’ve read any of my work, you know I’m a firm believer in focusing on the positive. I’m just concerned that if we start to accept the unacceptable – poor manners and a disregard for common courtesy – it will become the norm. Remember, the empowered individual does not say, “Do as I say and not as I do.” The empowered individual leads by example.
Murray M. Fuhrer – The Self-Esteem Guy
www.theselfesteemguy.com
Murray Fuhrer is a self-esteem expert and facilitator. His new book is entitled Extreme Esteem: The Four Factors. For more information on self-esteem, check the Extreme Esteem website at www.extremeesteem.ca.