“To exercise some sort of control over others is the secret motive of every selfish person.”
— Wallace D. Wattles, American author of The Science of Getting Rich
“Her family has been helping out with schooling.”
“That’s a good thing,” I said. “I wish I could have helped my kids more.”
I was talking to a friend about the high cost of post-secondary education.
He was explaining how his son’s girlfriend was receiving a living allowance from her family while in university.
I knew of many parents who had started education funds for their children when they were born. I wish I had been one of them.
“She must be grateful for the assistance,” I said.
“She was until they started making unreasonable demands.”
“What is or isn’t reasonable is often subjective,” I noted.
The parents had made it abundantly clear that the financial support came with conditions.
Over time, the conditions became more and more blatantly unreasonable: dump your boyfriend, stop being friends with this person or that, embrace our religious and political views, spend more time with your brother (a physically and emotionally abusive older sibling).
Buckling under the strain of trying to please her parents and maintain her grades, she soon found herself on the verge of a breakdown.
Clearly, many parents feel like they have a right and a responsibility to control their children’s lives.
In a healthy relationship, that should change at some point as the child becomes an adult. But in other relationships, such as a friendship or romantic relationship, it’s probably unhealthy at any stage.
Controlling behaviour is characterized by an individual’s need to micromanage and orchestrate the actions and behaviours of others, often in a disproportionate or unhealthy manner.
The need to control is frequently based in fear.
People who battle with the need to control of-ten fear being at the mercy of others.
Generally, controllers have felt tremendously “con-trolled” or powerless at one time or another in their lives.
It seems odd that someone who felt controlled would then attempt to control others but, sadly, that’s often the case.
Controllers may lash out in anger and hostility or use confining and restricting emotional strategies to psychologically and obsessively try to dictate how those within their influence should act, be and feel.
Whether offering unsolicited advice or using anger and threats to put you in your place, the comments and actions of controllers can range from annoying to abusive.
Controlling people who have an opinion on everything and to disagree can be dangerous.
Controllers invalidate your opinion and put conditions on everything — even their love and acceptance.
People with low self-esteem who view themselves as victims may even be attracted to controllers.
What’s most exasperating about these people is that they ofttimes don’t see themselves as controlling but see themselves as right.
In her bestselling self-help book Emotional Freedom, author and American board-certified psychiatrist Judith Orloff features a controller’s quiz, consisting of five questions.
1. Does this person keep claiming to know what’s best for you?
2. Do you typically have to do things his or her way?
3 Is he or she so domineering that you feel suffocated?
4 Do you feel like you’re held prisoner to this person’s rigid sense of order?
5. Is this relationship no fun because it lacks spontaneity?
Says Orloff, if you answer yes to one to two of the questions, it’s likely you’re dealing with a controller. Responding yes to three or more questions suggests that a controller is violating your emotional freedom.
So how do you control these controlling personalities? Orloff suggests we resist the urge to try.
“Never try to control a controller,” says Orloff.
She suggests instead that we speak up, but don’t tell them what to do.
Be assertive rather than controlling. Stay confident and refuse to play the victim role.
“Controllers are always looking for a power struggle,” says Orloff who suggests we focus on the high-priority issues rather than bickering about the small, everyday stuff.
Another suggestion is to set boundaries. If someone keeps telling you how to deal with something, politely say, “I value your advice, but I really want to work through this myself.”
Controllers will likely need to be reminded several times of the boundaries.
To that end, Orloff suggests we always use a kind, neutral tone. Don’t expect instant miracles, as controllers rarely give up easily. The advice here is to respectfully reiterate your stance over days or weeks, bringing awareness to negative communication patterns while redefining the terms of the relation-ship.
If you reach an impasse, agree to disagree. Then make the subject off limits.
Finally, Orloff recommends we size up the situation and use common sense.
Sometimes the controller is our employer.
If we wish to stay in his or her employ, it’s best not to ruminate about how rotten the boss is and expect him or her to change.
Orloff suggests we offer our ad-vice and ideas in a straightforward, benefits-focused, non-defensive manner.
If, however the boss responds, “I don’t want it done that way,” we must defer because of the built-in status difference in the relationship. Putting your foot down — trying to control the controller— will only make work more stressful and likely lead to your termination or resignation.
With good friends, Orloff suggests a caring, direct approach. For instance, if someone dominates conversations, respectfully say, “I appreciate your comments but I’d like to express my opinions, too.”
The person may be unaware that he or she is monopolizing the discussion.
The young lady in question decided to tell her parents that she was feeling strangled by their unreasonable demands and if their support was hinged on allowing them to control her life, then she would find a way to make it on her own.
After a time, many of the unreasonable demands fell away, though some remained and, apparently, the discussion continues.
People who feel out of control become controllers.
Deep down, they’re afraid of falling apart, so they control to bind anxiety.
When you mindfully deal with controllers, you free your-self from manipulation.
Knowing how they operate lets you choose how to interact with them.
For more information on self-esteem, check the Extreme Esteem website at www.extremeesteem.ca.