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If I want your advice . . .

“He doesn’t listen to a word I say.”My friend had been talking to me about his youngest son and lamenting how he had grown up to be a bit of a know-it-all who scoffed at his father’s recommendations. The more my friend insisted upon offering advice, the more his son met him with resistance or indifference.

“Advice is seldom welcome and those who need it most like it the least.” — Lord Chesterfield, British statesman, diplomat and wit.

“He doesn’t listen to a word I say.”

My friend had been talking to me about his youngest son and lamenting how he had grown up to be a bit of a know-it-all who scoffed at his father’s recommendations. The more my friend insisted upon offering advice, the more his son met him with resistance or indifference.

Good advice often goes unheeded. Maybe that’s because good advice doesn’t sound good until the recipient has enough life experience to comprehend its value. As a child I was a sponge, soaking up every piece of advice my parents shared with me. But by the time I reached my teens, much of my parents’ good advice was lost on me. This frustrated my father and he made a point to tell me so often. It wasn’t until I ventured out into the world and found it to be a different place than I had imagined that I realized how little I knew. I had come to believe that experience was the best teacher, and when experience taught me that they were usually right after all, I became a sponge once again.

If we don’t realize the value of the advice given, no matter how great it is, we simply aren’t willing (or perhaps able) to acknowledge and assimilate it. The most impeccable instruction on how to frame a three bedroom house is meaningless if we haven’t mastered building a simple bird house. The information is too advanced and we’re not ready to receive it. But after making a few of our own mistakes, we can see the value of good advice — although sometimes this doesn’t happen until our backs are against the wall and the situation feels desperate.

I know from my experience in a clinical setting that most people will not seek out advice until they have no other option. It seems that disillusionment, frustration and disappointment are often precursors to an open mind. Remember, however, that when people ask for advice it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re ready or willing to receive it. I have seen clients (not just mine) pay for self-esteem coaching and advice but take neither the coaching nor themselves seriously and end up dissatisfied with a lack of tangible results. Often, they have so many preconceived notions that most advice is outright disregarded — especially if it flies in the face of what they perceive to be true.

At the extreme are those who seem on a quest to acquire as much advice as possible. These advice-junkies are constantly in research mode. They are convinced that when they acquire enough advice, they’ll be free from making mistakes. Only when they’ve done enough research will they consider taking action. Advice junkies amass an incredible amount of information but information is not wisdom.

It’s ironic that people often need to experience failure — gain experience — to appreciate good advice, and yet fear of failure is the key reason many people never learn to heed it. Advice junkies gather volumes of advice, but never put it to use — neither grow nor succeed — because fear of failure delays the necessary action. Their situation might feel so desperate that they are afraid a mistake now would lead to tremendous consequences. They can’t let themselves make the mistakes that would help them appreciate and recognize good advice, and put it to good use.

So how do they break out of this paradox? As a recovering advice-junkie, I can tell you that one of the best ways to integrate all the information you’ve collected is to start putting it into your own words. This will allow you to link new information to existing thoughts, ideas and experiences. Paraphrasing is easy enough to do, but if you really want to get a good handle on a subject, I recommend you break down the information into its simplest form. Write down the basic concept or principle and then look for examples from your own life experience that express or demonstrate the point.

Perhaps the better our self-esteem, the more willing we become to seek out good advice and the more insightful we become as to what advice is relevant and applicable to our lives. Remember, discernment takes experience — it is impossible to discern when we are unaware.

It’s easy to look at a piece of advice and come up with a dozen reasons why it won’t work for us.

If a suggestion doesn’t fit your situation precisely, rather than dismissing it outright, try looking for ways in which a small aspect of the advice might fit. If nothing else, the advice can provide you with an opportunity for greater insight into the mind of the advice-giver.

This can open the door to greater understanding, empathy and even enhanced self-awareness.

Jack Canfield, co-author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series of books, once wrote, “Most of life is on-the-job training. Some of the most important things can only be learned in the process of doing them. You do something and you get feedback about what works and what doesn’t. If you don’t do anything for fear of doing it wrong, poorly or badly you never get any feedback and therefore you never get to improve.”

The bottom line: for each of us, there is a right time and place to benefit from advice.

We must develop a receptive mind before asking for advice, and be ready to find a way to incorporate it into our lives.

“Do you know what Mark Twain said about his father?” I asked.

“No,” replied my friend. “But I imagine it’s pithy and relevant.”

“Mark Twain said, ‘When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.’”

We both laughed at that one. There’s an old piece of advice that still rings true: listen to your elders. Though I disregarded much of my parents’ wisdom when I was teenager, I did have the good sense to file it away for future reference.

Whatever the circumstances, I think we can all learn something of value when we’re offered another’s insights into resolving life issues.

Murray Fuhrer is a self-esteem expert and facilitator. His new book is entitled Extreme Esteem: The Four Factors. For more information on self-esteem, check the Extreme Esteem website at www.extremeesteem.ca