Skip to content

Is my niece a liar?

I need advice on what to do about my niece. She is 39 and has no relationship with her mother (my sister).

Dear Annie: I need advice on what to do about my niece. She is 39 and has no relationship with her mother (my sister).

About 20 years ago, this niece confided to me that she had had an abortion. I respected her confidentiality and kept the information private.

I never again discussed this incident with my niece, until the other day when I mentioned it to her. She immediately denied that she had ever said such a thing. I told her I remember the conversation vividly.

She claims I must be confused. But I have never mixed up conversations and recollections in my entire life.

In attempting to get her to open up again, I proceeded to tell her that I had had an abortion, as well. My niece has recently become a born-again Christian, so I thought that might be why she is denying this unfortunate experience. The problem is, I feel my relationship with her has changed.

I now view her as a liar. I am contemplating ending contact and telling her I am doing so because I believe she had an abortion and is lying to me.

What should I do? — Unhappy Aunt

Dear Unhappy: There are many possibilities to explain your niece’s reaction — she may have lied about having the abortion when she was 19, you may have misunderstood the original conversation, or, more likely, she wants the entire experience to disappear.

If she had an abortion, it must have been enormously difficult for her, and her current beliefs would undoubtedly make it a shameful part of her life.

We cannot imagine what prompted you to bring up the subject, or why you felt it necessary that she admit something that obviously made her uncomfortable. This was a painful and very private experience that does not concern you. Please let her deal with her past in her own way.

Dear Annie: I’m in junior high, and I have a serious problem. I’m terrified of the future. I’m always worrying about what high school will be like and which college I’ll attend. Lately, I have been going nuts about paying for some future mortgage for a home I don’t even have yet. The worst part is, I can’t stay focused in school. I miss hearing directions because I’m too busy worrying about something else. What can I do to take my mind off these things until I really need to think about them? — Worried Wanda

Dear Wanda: It is not unusual to daydream about your future choices, but you seem to focus on the negative aspects and get stuck there.

Try developing some relaxation techniques to de-stress. Make sure to get sufficient nutrition and exercise during the day. Talk to your friends about what worries you. When school starts in the fall, if you are still having difficulty concentrating, discuss this with your parents, and make an appointment with your school counsellor.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Going Crazy,” whose brother “Kyle” is bipolar and schizophrenic and still living at home with their father.

I was disappointed that she felt it necessary to say that Kyle was adopted as an infant. Being adopted has nothing to do with Kyle’s mental health diagnoses, and the mention of it only serves to reinforce in many folks’ minds that adoption is for “damaged” kids.

As an adoptee and future adoptive parent, I have heard such comments from people my entire life. Please don’t allow your readers to perpetuate such stereotypes. — Jamestown, N.C.

Dear Jamestown: The fact that Kyle was adopted has nothing to do with his mental health issues, and we certainly would not want to give the impression that it did. We included it because it seemed to mean something to the writer and underscored the gulf.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045.