“Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee and just as hard to sleep after.” — Anne Morrow Lindbergh, American author, aviator
Jerry’s boss had just dropped by for a quick meeting when he noticed a piece of paper taped to Jerry’s office door. He stopped to read it then shook his head and sighed.
“You’re taking this communication nonsense way too seriously.”
In a recent seminar they had both attended a session on communication styles. Jerry found it enlightening to learn that each person has a different communication style.
Good managers are aware of these different styles and able to adjust their approach accordingly.
Jerry’s boss said the idea was nonsense. “Flavour of the month,” he had called it. Though Jerry didn’t say anything, he knew that he responded more positively when approached in a particular way — a way completely unlike his boss’s style.
After filling out a number of surveys and a personal profile, the facilitator and his team claimed to have identified the communication style of each participant.
The facilitator had suggested each participant tape his or her communication style to the office door or cubical. Though not everyone did so, Jerry posted his. At the top of the sheet he wrote, “If you wish to communicate effectively with me, please use the following approach.”
Much has been written on the art of communication and countless theories have been put forth as to what supports or breaks down communication. Practitioners of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) suggest there are five ways we perceive the world and those five ways determine our communication style.
The acronym VAKOG has been coined to represent these five senses or modalities: Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic, Olfactory and Gustatory. Therefore, the key to determining communication styles is to listen for cues within normal speech.
So according to an NLP theorist, someone who is visual may use visual references such as “I see what you’re saying,” “It’s all so clear to me now,” or “This shines a new light on the entire situation.”
Auditory people — those who process the world primarily through sound and hearing — may employ phrases like “I hear what you’re saying,” “This rings true,” or “Sounds good to me.”
Kinesthetic communicators — the “hands on” people — might use sensing cues: “It just feels right,” “This issue is too hot to handle,” or “We must come to grips with this situation.”
It’s easy to see where other modalities such as olfactory (smell) and gustatory (taste) might lead us. According to this theory, find the modality and you’ve found the connection.
Tony Alessandra and Michael J. O’Connor, co-authors of The Platinum Rule, claim there are four styles based on two elements of interpersonal communications. To connect, we must first determine if someone prefers to be closed or open in their communication.
“People who are more closed in their communication prefer to keep their feelings private. If you are meeting with them to discuss what to do about a situation, they prefer to focus on the facts of the matter rather than opinions.
“People who are more open in their communication like to share their feelings. When discussing something, they want to hear others’ opinions and share their own, instead of focusing strictly on the facts.”
According to the authors, some people prefer to be direct: get to the point and just the facts, ma’am. When in conflict, these people are more likely to confront someone directly.
People who are indirect prefer a most easygoing style of communication — a little small talk before discussing the state-of-affairs. They are more likely to ask questions and listen. They are also more inclined to withdraw from conflict or try to negotiate a way around it.
Alessandra and O’Connor have created specific titles for various communication styles. The Director: firm and forceful — only interested in the bottom line.
The Socializer: outgoing, optimistic and enthusiastic — loves to be stroked and hear his or her name and accomplishments come up in conversation. The Thinker: serious and analytical, the perfectionist who prefers to communicate on paper — the perpetual memo writer.
The Relater: the team player who loves building relationships, a good listener who is first to show appreciation for a job well done.
Recognizing your own communication style and being able to adapt to someone else’s preferred style will take effort, but can pay off in better work and personal relationships. The ability to effectively communicate contributes greatly to a healthy sense of self-esteem.
An inability to express emotions or ideas can be frustrating and lead to feelings of depression, isolation and inadequacy. People with low self-esteem generally have more difficulty communicating and this can lead to less satisfying relationships and difficulty at work and in social settings.
If you have a strong sense of self, you are more likely to enjoy an open communication style. You will likely be comfortable around others (whether or not you know them) and you won’t shy away from direct face-to-face contact. People with healthy self-esteem will often prefer to take charge of communications instead of waiting for other people to act or approach them.
Shortly after the management seminar, the preferred communication styles sheets disappeared from everyone’s door and cubic. Though no-one took responsibility, Jerry had his suspicions. Jerry worked hard to improve his communicating skills. This ultimately led to a better job with a bigger company in a larger centre. His old boss was offered early retirement.
It was Leo Rosten, the Polish-born American author who wrote, “Extremists think communication means agreeing with them.”
Think about how you communicate and be willing to spend a little time (or a lot) assessing how well you communicate with others. Do people really hear what you’re saying? Do you hear what others are trying to communicate to you?
With a little give and take on both sides, you may soon find that you’re on the same wavelength, speaking the same language.
Murray Fuhrer is a self-esteem expert and facilitator. His new book is entitled Extreme Esteem: The Four Factors. For more information on self-esteem, check the Extreme Esteem website at www.extremeesteem.ca