“Lighthouses don’t fire cannons to call attention to their shining — they just shine.”
Dwight L. Moody, American evangelist and publisher
“Man, those are nasty bruises,” I said, noting Lee’s wounded shins.
“I know,” he replied. “I got them this morning while on my walk.”
Years ago, I had a friend named Lee. A sprightly senior, he enjoyed taking long morning walk through his neighbourhood.
One spring morning, Lee expanded his route by a few blocks and ventured into unknown territory. The day was warm and the sun was shining.
The cane in his right hand swung easily as he all but strolled along the sidewalk. For a change of pace, Lee decided to cut down a back alley.
He passed behind a number of older homes — many of which were badly in need of attention.
A group of children were playing tag in the yard of one especially ramshackle two-storey. The kids stopped and stared at the old man as he passed by them.
Lee raised his cane in a greeting and smiled. That’s when it happened.
The kids bolted from the yard, surrounded Lee and began kicking him in the shins — laughing the entire time.
The more he protested the harder they kicked. Lee pushed his way through the group and stumbled a few meters down the alley. Amazingly, the children didn’t pursue him but instead stopped, returned to the yard and picked up where the game of tag had left off.
I was astounded. Lee was not prone to exaggeration and his bruised shins told me that the tale was painfully true. I asked Lee if he was going to press charges.
He said no but he would like to speak the children’s parents — that is, if I would accompany him on a return visit.
“My shins would have me to believe those children were cruel and thoughtless,” he said. “But my heart tells me those children are sadly lacking love and attention.”
When children do not receive the love and instructive attention they need from primary caregivers (parents), they may seek it in destructive and inappropriate ways.
They act out — saying and doing things to create drama. In a child’s mind, negative attention is still attention.
When we acknowledge that the foundation blocks of our value system are laid before the age of 10, we begin to understand the importance of a loving and healthy upbringing.
Children who act out from lack of appropriate attention become adults with significant self-esteem and behavioural issues.
This can manifest in a variety of ways, from creating drama and fostering a victim mentality to taking inappropriate risks, seeking approval in unhealthy ways and people-pleasing.
People who exhibit these types of behaviours are coming from a place of fear.
They lack a sense of significance or personal worth and use attention-seeking behaviours to gain significance, although such actions can never alleviate the fear or elevate their self-esteem.
Such individuals are trapped by the notion that to be considered worthy, they need to be noticed. There is often, however, a lack of awareness around cause and effect — choice and consequence. Being noticed becomes the primary focus resulting in damaged relationships, squandered opportunities, a lack of personal integrity and emotional stagnation.
Everyone is trapped somehow, but it is the magnitude of the problem that matters.
Admittedly, as humans, we crave social interaction and feedback.
Most emotionally mature individuals do not need to go hunting for validation, it comes naturally.
Validation comes from day-to-day living — from interacting in a healthy and appropriate way with the world.
The better our self-esteem, the less likely we are to engage in negative attention-seeking behaviours.
Attention-seeking behaviour is surprisingly common. We’ve all revelled in the spotlight.
Being the centre of attention feels good and can be addictive.
For some, it alleviates feelings of insecurity and inadequacy but the relief will only be temporary if the underlying problem remains unaddressed. If you’re always yelling, “Look at me!” it may be time for a little soul-searching. What are you needing, what have you missed, who have you kicked in the shins?
“Shall we get this over with?” I asked.
Lee nodded.
We climbed the three steps to the door.
As there was no doorbell, Lee rapped on the screen door. No response so Lee rapped again. This time we heard a voice yell something from inside the house. The door swung open and there stood a woman in her mid-30s. She appeared as neglected as the yard. As Lee began to introduce himself, the children came charging around the corner. I was shocked. The oldest looked to be only about 10 years of age while the youngest seemed to be around four. The woman yelled again and the children scattered — all but the youngest who walked up and kicked me squarely in the shin. Before Lee or I could say another word, the woman said she didn’t need any and slammed the door shut.
As we limped home, I asked Lee if he still thought love and attention was lacking.
“I do,” he replied, and added that sometimes a kick in the shins is a cry for help.
I read once that we validate people’s lives by our attention. Healthy self-esteem is like armour against the challenges of the world. It is the result of validating our own worth. It makes us courageous, helps us find the strength to take a stand when necessary, or to follow our dreams. It allows us to honour our gifts and pursue opportunities for self-improvement. But even more importantly, it fills us with compassion and awareness — a willingness to suspend judgement and seek understanding. Lee was right. I don’t know what became of the children but I hope they found — somewhere —the validation they deserved.
“Never tell me the sky’s the limit when (I know) there are footprints on the moon.”
– Author Unknown
Murray Fuhrer is a self-esteem expert and facilitator. His new book is entitled Extreme Esteem: The Four Factors. For more information on self-esteem, check the Extreme Esteem website at www.extremeesteem.ca.extremeesteem.ca.