Dear Annie: I have been married to “Jim” for three years, and we lived together for seven years before that. We had a rocky relationship until we had our daughter, who is now four.
Jim has always been an angry, controlling, emotional person. He managed to get the anger under control for a few years, but now it’s back. He will no longer sleep in the same room that I’m in and told me we have an unhappy marriage and it’s all my fault. Beyond that, he completely ignores me.
Tell me, Annie, how did my husband go from being a loving man, telling me I am the best thing that ever happened to him, to hating me? When I asked him what happened, he replied, “Just fix yourself,” and I have no idea what that means. He won’t talk about it.
I asked Jim to go for marriage counselling, but the therapist said Jim needs individual help, and he won’t see us as a couple until then. Jim refuses to go. Please help. — Confused in Kentucky
Dear Kentucky: There could be any number of reasons for your husband’s sudden change of heart.
Considering his previous issues, he could be bipolar or have some other mental health issue, but it would require an evaluation to know. Since Jim is unwilling to see a therapist, try encouraging him to get a physical to rule out a medical problem. You also can contact NAMI (nami.org) at 1-800-950-NAMI (1-800-950-6264) for a referral. Then get counselling for yourself. You have some tough choices to make.
Dear Annie: I am really frustrated and would like some advice. I have a double first name (“Jean-Marie”) with no middle name or initial. It’s a bit unusual, but not terribly so, and it’s easy to pronounce.
I always identify myself with my entire name, but for some reason, people insist on shortening it.
My full first name is on my nameplate at work, and I use it for all correspondence. Yet many people insist on using only “Jean,” informing me that the full name is “not a real name.”
I don’t get it. When a co-worker asked others to call her “Susan” instead of “Sue,” there was no objection, and everyone respected her preference. But not mine. I’ve tried many polite approaches, but can’t seem to get the point across. When people ask, “Do you mind if I call you Jean?” I smile and reply, “Actually, it’s Jean-Marie.” The usual response is, “That’s OK. I’ll just call you Jean.” Frankly, I find this dismissive and disrespectful, and I am fed up. Do you have any suggestions? — The Whole Package in D.C.
Dear D.C.: You are entitled to be called what you prefer, although people tend to shorten everyone’s name unless taught to do otherwise. So be more assertive. The first time you are addressed as “Jean,” reply, “Sorry, but I prefer Jean-Marie.” After that, if someone insists on calling you by a nickname, pretend you do not hear them. It will take time, and you should always be polite and friendly, but don’t give in.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from “Fed-Up Mom,” whose son refuses to brush his teeth. You said he might change his ways if he meets a girl who refuses to kiss him.
I was married for 20 years to a man who seldom brushed, never flossed and went to the dentist twice during our entire marriage. His breath was so bad that if he rolled toward me in bed, I had to turn away. Honestly, I’d rather smell the back end of a dead skunk. All the pleading in the world got nowhere.
I thank God every day that I am now divorced from that cad and married to a wonderful man with great personal hygiene. — Love to Kiss