“If you hear a voice within you saying, ‘You are not a painter,’
then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced.”
– Vincent Van Gogh, Dutch post-impressionist painter
“Don’t speak to me that way!”
Have you ever uttered those words to someone? Sometimes when we feel put down, hurt or insulted by what others have said to us or by the manner in which they have said it we’re forced to stand up and say, “No more. That’s enough!”
Even more important than putting an end to hurtful or inappropriate comments from others is putting the brakes on our own hurtful words and accusations to ourselves.
Many times, we say things to ourselves that we would never say to another person. Most of us are too thoughtful, polite or concerned with hurting another person’s feelings to say hurtful things aloud. Yet, we will say them to ourselves — and often.
We beat ourselves up, tear ourselves down and repeatedly undermine our own self-esteem in a relentless way. Have you ever internally expressed thoughts like these?
“I’m so stupid.”
“Why can’t I do anything right?”
“I’m just not good enough.”
Consider the chatter in your head. If you were to record it, would it be the kind of message you would want to play over and over to yourself? If not, the good news is you can change it. Moreover, changing it can improve your self-image and your life.
Negative self-talk is commonly a mixture of half-truths, poor logic and distortions of reality that result in pessimism, guilt, fear and anxiety. It occurs most often in times of emotional turmoil, when going through stress or a personal transition.
You may have already developed such strongly ingrained dysfunctional self-talk that turning it around may seem impossible. Likely, these patterns developed early in childhood. Sometimes children are bombarded by negative comments and critique from a parent or role model, and after they grow up they unconsciously pick up the criticisms where their parent left off.
I recall asking a client to listen closely to the words he was saying to himself. When asked if the tone sounded familiar, he suddenly declared, “Oh my god. It’s my father — these are his words.”
The first step is to recognize negative self-talk when it occurs. Here’s a tip: whenever you find yourself feeling depressed, angry, anxious or upset, use this as your signal to stop and become aware of your thoughts. Use your feelings as your cue to reflect on your thinking. Remember, a thought always precedes a feeling. What did you say to yourself right before you began to feel upset, angry or anxious?
The second step is to analyze your self-talk and reject the negative. Admittedly, not all self-talk is negative. Many people use positive self-talk to bolster their self-confidence or to amp themselves up for an exciting opportunity or challenge. If your self-talk is upbeat and encouraging, congratulations. If your self-talk is comprised of put-downs, name-calling and emotional beatings, then you’ll need to put a stop to it.
A good way to test the accuracy of your perceptions might be to ask some probing questions. I recommend using the four questions utilized in The Work created by Byron Katie Mitchell.
1) Is it true?
2) Can I absolutely know it’s true?
3) Does this thought bring me peace or stress?
4) Who would I be without this thought?
Another way to test the accuracy of your own self-talk is to write down some of the negative statements.
Ask yourself, “Am I interpreting the situation correctly? Are there other possibilities or meanings that I could derive from these circumstances?” Replace your negative thoughts and statements with realistic, positive ones and write those down, too. Look for reasons why the positive aspects outweigh the negative.
Once you start listening to it, you’ll probably be surprised by how much of your thinking is inaccurate, exaggerated or focused on the negatives of a situation.
The third step is to break the cycle of negative self-talk. Once you have identified your negative self-talk and established that it’s false, then whenever you catch yourself engaging in it, stop, take a deep breath, relax and (if possible) remove yourself from the situation.
Get up, stretch, take a walk or get a drink of water. This simple interruption will begin to break that ingrained, automatic response and allow room for change.
I had a friend who was working diligently on improving his self-talk.
Whenever the mind chatter would begin and his thoughts would turn toward the negative, he would take a deep breath and say to his critic, “You’re wrong but thanks for sharing.”
You are then ready for step number four: you can begin to change the negative aspects of your thinking (and reprogram your unconscious mind) by challenging the irrational aspects and replacing them with more reasonable thoughts. Maintain positive self-talk though self-awareness, perseverance and the sincere desire to change your life.
Fill your mind with uplifting ideas. Recognize your strengths. Comfort yourself when things go wrong. Let your self-talk be like the soothing, supportive words of a counsellor, a best friend or mentor.
Start the moment you climb out of bed. When you look in the mirror in the morning, what are you saying to yourself? Do you see a remarkable man or woman looking back at you or do you see a sad and pathetic loser? We often insist on seeing our perceived flaws in a much brighter light than our beauty. Many of us are also prone to measure ourselves by some idealized self-image or other comparison that makes as little sense. When you look in mirror, look for your great features – you’ll find them, I promise.
With awareness and practice, you’ll soon stop negative self-talk in mid-sentence and consciously choose to think about the situation in a more realistic and helpful way.
Ralph Charell, American author and financial strategist put it well when he wrote, “The inner speech, your thoughts, can cause you to be rich or poor, loved or unloved, happy or unhappy, attractive or unattractive, powerful or weak.”
Changing your self-talk may seem strange at first, but keep at it. See the good in yourself and make that the conversation in your head. Make a promise that you’ll never say anything about yourself that you don’t want to be true! Your life will change.
“Never tell me the sky’s the limit when (I know) there are footprints on the moon.”
– Author Unknown
Murray M. Fuhrer – The Self-Esteem Guy
www.theselfesteemguy.com