“Crash, bang, smash ’em up. It’s smash up time, my friend.” — Kenner SSP Smash Up Derby television ad (1970)
I tromped on the accelerator but nothing happened.
I stepped on it harder and the back tires howled. I could see steam (or was it smoke) rising up from the rear of the car. I tried putting the car in reverse with the same result.
“Look out!” I heard someone yell.
The new guy can do it! That seemed a given during my first year in radio. If there was something risky to be attempted, I got volunteered. On this occasion, a local group had been advertising a demolition derby and, to show support, the station (in partnership with the local auto salvage yard) agreed to sponsor a car in the derby.
When the organizer called to ask about a driver, my name was given. Today, there would be waivers and insurance forms to fill out but back then, I was simply told to report to the recreation grounds an hour before the derby.
“You boys know how this works,” said the organizer, chomping on a big cigar. It was a statement rather than a question. Everyone nodded and so did I, even though I had no idea how “this” worked. He told us under no circumstance to leave our vehicle during the derby.
“Oh,” he added with a grin. “That is, unless your car is on fire.”
It seems to me that many people conduct their lives as though competing in a demolition derby.
They crash into everyone around them, taking unwarranted risks with no regard for others or the long-term damage to their own vehicle.
For these people, life is a fierce competition where the goal is to take out as many competitors as possible and still be mobile — despite crumpled fenders and steam rolling out from under their hood – when the derby ends. In my counselling I have encountered many battered and bruised participants from the demolition derby of life.
They stumble into my office dazed and confused — medicated, stressed out, sick and exhausted. Each has bought into the notion that success can only be achieved through ceaseless striving. “Never give up” has become the mantra of the modern era. If we’re out there, crashing and bashing trying to beat the competition, we’ll eventually fall victim to the inherent stress, frustration and pain that has become an unavoidable part of the game of life. Recently, I read the seemingly paradoxical quote, never give up but know when to quit.
I like this quote because it runs contrary to the “prevail at all costs and never quit” mentality.
To me, it says that we should hold our goals firmly in mind, but we should also be willing to pause and, if necessary, reconsider our approach and strategy.
I think a big part of knowing when to persevere and when to let go comes with recognizing what we can and cannot control.
To do this, we need to develop a skill I call situational mastery. Simply put, situational mastery means your approach and strategy will be dictated by the situation. It’s fluid. It changes as the situation changes. Put another way, you take action in situations you can control. You release your need to impose control in situations that are beyond your control. If you take action in a situation that you cannot control, then you fall into the trap of ceaseless striving.
The challenge is really knowing and recognizing where you have control and where you don’t.
To gain situational mastery, start paying careful attention to your skills, strengths and opportunities. Review past successes and failures looking for lessons and insights. Learn to trust your intuition.
Certain skills and techniques apply better to particular circumstances. If you’re burnt out and used up, it’s a pretty good indication you’re not practising situational mastery.
How much is really within our control and how much isn’t?
The more you build your self-esteem and level of self-awareness, the more insight you’ll have into each situation and the more able you’ll become at exercising situational mastery. The better you’ll be at gauging the situations correctly and the better you’ll become releasing what doesn’t work and putting your energies and enthusiasm into positive motion. If you can control it, then seize it and strive toward achieving the outcome you desire. If not, release your grip on it, let it go and move on.
It had rained heavily the night prior and a fine rain was still falling the afternoon of the derby. When I accelerated (too quickly), my tires promptly spun down in the mud.
Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t move. I was stuck. I looked up to see two vehicles both in reverse bearing down on me – one to the side and the other head-on. I braced for the impact. I sat there for the duration of the derby – probably no more than 15 to 20 minutes (it seemed like an eternity) – being crashed and bashed until only one car remained mobile.
“Who has a harder fight,” wrote German mystic and religious author, Thomas A. Kempis, “than he who is striving to overcome himself?”
Sure, the purpose of a demolition derby is to smash the competition and be the only vehicle still running by the end of the event. If that’s your approach to achieving success, then question your motivation. While ceaselessly striving may be good for a quick adrenaline rush or short term gain, it’s unlikely to take you to the winner’s podium.
As with life, those drivers who have greater insight and the skill and ability to recognize and seize opportunity — to shift gears and change strategies quickly — will rise to the top of the demolition derby heap and in life.
Murray Fuhrer is a self-esteem expert and facilitator. His new book is entitled Extreme Esteem: The Four Factors. For more information on self-esteem, check the Extreme Esteem website at www.extremeesteem.ca