How do women do this?
As I strutted (walked extremely awkwardly is probably a better descriptor) a mile wearing “kitten heels” (learned that fancy phrase from a female friend of mine after the walk) I was continually pondering, how and why women do this.
My feet were jammed into a size 12 red high heel on Thursday this week, as part of the Walk A Mile in Her Shoes fundraiser for the Red Deer Outreach Centre.
I’ve heard of the walk many times before and even covered it last year when I was a reporter. I always shook my head as the men gathered at the starting line, not being able to comprehend how on earth they could finish a walk like that.
It was in my coverage last year and the time that passed in which I reflected on that question and really started to understand the why.
The fundraiser is an effective one, not only because it’s funny to see men walk in high heels, which I can absolutely guarantee you it is.
Plenty of men looked like Bambi on ice skates as if their ankles are about to give out at any time. Some even tape their ankles for better support (I considered this cheating) but after a quarter mile, understood why.
As I walked and tried to ignore the pain in my feet, I genuinely thought about the societal pressure women face to look a certain way, to act a certain way. The expectations that they have to do certain things or be something that they may or may not want to be.
While this is partially what the event is about, allowing people to appreciate and understand others’ experiences, there’s a more literal point to it as well.
The walk is really about raising awareness about domestic and sexual violence against women.
In January of this year, The Central Alberta Women’s Shelter reported crisis calls to the shelter rose to 3,526 from Jan. 1 to Nov. 30 in 2021, from 2,761 during the first 11 months of the previous year.
Many experts have talked about the COVID-19 pandemic exacerbating circumstances in situations of domestic violence– there were fewer places to escape any potential violence, fewer situations to confide in someone about the abuse, all and all leaving women feeling more isolated than ever before. Of course, there was the financial reality of the pandemic and its impact on some families.
It hits on a point that I touched on last week, with people suffering in silence with regard to depression and how isolation can really expedite the pain and sadness.
It’s a sad reality that we probably all know a woman who has faced domestic or sexual violence. But again, it’s uncomfortable to talk about, so instead of trying to face the issue head-on and tackle it as a collective, we let victims try and navigate the pain alone.
I think of the woman in London, Ontario, who spoke out against a group of players from the 2018 Canadian world junior team who she alleges sexually abused her. She was just a teenager, she was somebody’s daughter.
Yet, there are grown men out there who will say she shouldn’t have put herself in that situation, she must have done something to provoke them or find some way to blame her for the horrible events of that night. And she hasn’t even shared her name. Her identity has been largely hidden and for good reason. She wanted this to go away. And I don’t blame her.
I think about the victim in the case of NHLer Jake Virtanen, who stood trial earlier this summer in the sexual assault of a woman in B.C. Virtanen’s lawyer was absolutely ruthless in his attack on the victim.
“You didn’t invent an excuse to him, whether it’s ‘I have a yeast infection,’ ‘I’m menstruating,’ ‘I can’t’? You didn’t come up with something?” The lawyer was quoted as saying during the trial in relation to the women going up to his hotel room.
I get that’s his job, but how on earth will women ever feel comfortable coming forward in cases ofdomestic and sexual violence if this is how they are treated? And these are just one-off cases, either.
Victims are made out to be the bad guy on almost every occasion. It takes overwhelming evidence from the majority of society to believe a woman who has suffered in a situation like the ones mentioned before and that just isn’t right.
It’s 2022 and we still can’t have an honest, productive conversation about domestic and sexual violence because of the victim blaming that starts instantly, as soon as they’re raised.
Much like walking in a pair of women’s shoes, confronting biases like these are difficult. There are decades of history clouding the ability to take on these matters with an open mind. It shouldn’t be that way, but it is.
It was also uncomfortable walking in women’s shoes, just like the conversation that needs to be had surrounding domestic and sexual violence.
Listening, is a two-way street, but when a victim starts from a place of thinking they will not be believed because that’s what history tells them, why would they ever share their experience? It would seem only pain comes from sharing, not healing, not helping.
It’s easy to talk – easier for me anyway, to write. It’s a lot harder to act. A lot harder to show you care and show you are open and available to listen to anyone who might need your ear.
I hope my words can help, I hope my experience at the walk can help and I hope we can all try and be better.
If you want to be an ally, showing up is just the beginning of the battle. The hard part comes next. It’ll be easier than walking in heels, I’ll tell you that for free.
Byron Hackett is the Managing Editor of the Red Deer Advocate.